Brother Paul Washer's ministry has greatly affected my life over the past two years. God has used him mightily to teach me through his sermons - of which I probably retain about 10% of the hundreds I've listened to. Although I do not remember them all, they all have fed me and kept me and molded me towards God through the ups and downs of my recent Christian life. Tonight I was led to listen to two sermons by brother Paul; two that I had not listened to in quite some time. They led me to a great repentance over my lack of faith, and not only that, but a repentance of my disbelief of the gospel. I don't believe that God really loves me like His word says He does. And so, more often than not, I am in a state of heavy spiritual depression...where my sins, past and present cover me so thickly that the Cross of our Lord is masked. I've never shared this with anyone before besides my wife and some close friends , but sometimes I am so certain of my own lost-ness because of the apparent lack of sanctification, apathy, self-righteousness and cowardice in my life that I literally cannot move or speak, sometimes for hours. And I know it's a lie and an attack by the devil, and I know that it's one I have let in to my life because of my unbelief. Tonight God granted me the grace to repent and to rebuke those lies with His Word. Instead of feeling like an orphan who has sinned himself out of the love of God, tonight I feel like a child of the King. Not because he has clothed me in comfort and earthly riches, but quite the opposite. He is clothing me in poverty of spirit. Chastising me with His fatherly discipline. Taking away my pleasures and hope in all things until I can only turn to Him and say 'Where else can I turn? What other fortress can save me? I must know you lest I die!' If God truly did not love me He would let me run wild like Esau, fulfilling all the desires of my sinful heart and drinking down my iniquities like water, without an iota of concern for eternity or offending His great name. Like the Pharisees, He would be giving me my reward in full, in this present age. But He's not. He's destroying my idols and binding me to himself. Instead of drinking down sin I am now vomiting them up when I try to have even the smallest taste of previous pleasures. Driving me to my knees and to feed upon His scriptures and His will. Praise God for His Spirit.
I need your prayers, though. I know tomorrow morning I could quite possibly wake up like usual and be a seething demonstration of flesh by despairing once more. Not because God has changed in His love for me...but because I let my pride in again. Pray for me.
I do ask something else from you as well. Whenever you have some downtime in the next week, instead of turning on the TV, picking up a novel, or taking a nap, please consider listening to the two sermons (below) that I did tonight. I promise you that they will be much more beneficial to you than any entertainment or relaxation, and it would mean a lot to me.
Paul Washer - Prayer
Paul Washer - Poverty of Spirit
7 comments:
A note:
I'm not condemning the process of self-examination, and even biblical self-loathing - I think repentance requires both, and being assured of our salvation and testing ourselves to see if we are in the faith is more than essential to our walk. We need to see our lives as black as they truly are before we will see Christ's sacrifice and righteousness as beautiful as they truly are. But once we have the fruits of repentance and sanctification in our lives, we must take joy even in our sorrows, because it is evidence that He is truly doing a work in us - and if so, then His promises of faithfulness and love are ours, while all the while we must be 'keeping ourselves in the love of God' and 'working out our salvation with fear and trembling.'
I am condemning, however, the (my) attitude of hopelessness in spite of the seeming working of the spirit in my life.
Lord willing, you'll remain in my prayers and I will listen to these sermons.
I can identify with your post as if it were my own, but for a long season now I have been blessed with a resolved hope that the Lord has saved and will continue to sanctify me.
I am sometimes comforted by the thought that the Lord never commands us to give up believing that He freely saves all who come to Him by faith in Christ.
*Previous post deleted after editing.*
Graeme, do you care for biographies? I often find them to be more helpful than many strictly theological books, insomuch as through them one sees how the theologians and ministers applied their beliefs practically.
For instance, as I am 2/3 through The Life of A. W. Pink, I am being much affected by the picture of his many strengths and certain weaknesses. Of particular note are his bouts of depression and sense of spiritual isolation. Though such trials would prove useful at a later time, he was very tried throughout them. His painful lesson was to persevere in hope, trusting in God's sovereign wisdom to "work all things for good."
The fact that he who literally "wrote the book" on God's sovereignty, who memorized thousands of scriptures and read as much as one-million pages of theological literature, was not above the need for the comfort of the Spirit, is a humbling reminder to you and I to "look unto Jesus" for manifestations of His gracious kindness. The Christian's hope of consolation is not to be found in all the theological treatises ever penned, but in the Spirit who alone vitally applies doctrinal truths to the hearts of believers by strengthening their faith. Better to be nearly bereft of learning and yet to lean upon the Spirit of grace, than to trust in one's own stock of "biblical knowledge" to sustain him in the storm. Ignorance may sometimes be blessed of the Spirit, but knowledge without the Spirit is never a blessing. As the cane is no more reliable than the wrist holding it, so the scriptures of themselves will not support the weak arm of man. The Word is not a cane by which man supports himself; it is a crook to be looped around us, so that the Shepherd may bear His sheep about as He wills.
In the hour of trial, may God grant that your faith rest in Christ Jesus, who "gives more grace," and whose promise was that, "I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever; Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it sees him not, neither knows him: but ye know him; for he dwells with you, and shall be in you. I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you." [James 4:6, John 14:16-18]
If you would like to borrow the book sometime after I finish, I'd happily lend it to you.
God bless you, Graeme.
Hello brother,
I usually don't like to talk often anymore with men on the internet whom I don't know in person (even if they're Christian brothers), but because I can identify with this post I wanted to respond. (The other time that I posted in your blog was regarding using your photography as part of an assignment for the photography class that I was taking. We had to imitate a photographer for an assignment, and at the time, I found your blog from michael spotts' blog).
Long story short, I struggle with the exact same thing that you described, and other saints throughout history have as well.
There are some resources that have provided me with temporary spiritual comfort in the midst of my struggles, but I believe that the following two books really lay out the struggle the best:
"Trouble of Mind and the Disease of Melancholy," by Timothy Rogers. This man went through such spiritual depression (so much so that he stepped out of the pastoral ministry for eight years) and he deemed himself to be appointed as a vessel of wrath for God's praise and justice. Eventually God delivered Him from his misery and He was able to write several works to help others. The version that I have of this book is edited by Don Kistler; it can still be found on monergismbooks.com and on amazon.com. it's really expensive, though (like in the 20 dollar range).
"A Treatise on Spiritual Comfort," by John Colquhoun is another gem. I've only read the chapters so far titled "Of the nature and signs of melancholy," and "Directions to Christians [...]," but those two chapters really 'hit the nail on the head,' so to speak. He lays out exactly what certain Christians can go through in the state of melancholyness (such as only believing the promises of God's wrath and not believing any of His promises of salvation), and then in the other chapter, he gives directions to Christians going through these things. That chapter has some great counsel in it. I believe that you will benefit greatly from this book. you can read the book here (the chapters are on the left hand side of the page):
http://books.google.com/books?id=qggDAAAAQAAJ&dq=a+treatise+on+spiritual+comfort
Some quotes from John:
"He often thinks that, his day of grace is past, and that, now it is too late for him, to believe, to repent, or to expect mercy. Were any one to declare to him, that redeeming grace is infinitely free, or that the riches of saving mercy in Christ, we always overflowing, or that the offers and calls of the gospel, are directed to him in particular; he would still affirm that, now it is too late, because his day of grace is undoubtedly past. No arguments will convince him that, to conclude that his day of grace is past, or that God will never shew mercy nor give grace to him, while yet, God is continually beseeching him, to accept his offers of grace, and so to be reconciled to him ; is an unbelieving suspicion, that the God of truth is not sincere in his offers, and a most sinful attempt to make Him a, liar c. The Christian, dejected as he is, ought seriously to consider, how atrocious, how reproachful, Low dreadful, the sin of unbelief is.
He is perpetually apprehensive that, he is utterly forsaken by God, and is always to despair. Like one who is forlorn and desolate, his continual thought is, that he is undone, utterly undone."
But he certainly ought to consider, that sinners who are utterly forsaken of God, are habitually willing to continue in their sinful state and frame; that they are lovers of sin, haters of holiness, and, so far as they have power and opportunity, persecutors of all who would reform them, as if they were enemies to them;--which is far indeed from being his case.
He frequently takes occasion from the doctrine of predestination, to despair of Divine mercy ; and so, he abuses that great and fundamental doctrine. Perceiving every object, as through a coloured and distorted medium, he thinks that if the Lord hath not elected him, it will be altogether in vain for him, ever to attempt believing and repenting; and then, he strongly imagines that he is not elected, and therefore that it cannot be tn's duty, to hope for the mercy of God. But he would do well to recollect that, all whom God hath predestinated to the end, he hath also predestinated to the means; that, in choosing sinners to salvation, he hath chosen them to faith and repentance, not only as means, but as necessary parts, of salvation; and that, it is his present duty, upon the warrant of the unlimited offer of the gospel, to choose Christ for his Saviour, and God in him for his God, and immediately to trust in them, for all the parts of salvation. This would, in the mean time, be a comfortable evidence to him, that God hath chosen him. To trust in the Lord Jesus, for all his salvation, and, in the faith of offered and promised mercy,[...]"
"He always asserts that he cannot believe, and hence concludes that he cannot be saved. If any Christian friend exhort him, to come as a sinner, to the compassionate Saviour, and to trust in Him, for salvation to himself in particular; he is ready to reply, ' Alas ! You seem to understand nothing of my doleful condition ; otherwise, you would not exhort such a vile and unworthy sinner as I am, to trust that the holy One of God, would ever save lam. Indeed, it would be daring presumption in one like me, ever to attempt trusting in Him : I dare not, I will not, I cannot, confide in him, a- gainst whom I have so heinously sinned.* His distemper, so far as it prevails, will not permit him to exercise faith.—A dreadful chastisement, this ; for his having omitted the great duty of trusting at all times, in the only Saviour, when his imagination was sound !
He is, at the same time, utterly unable to exercise joy, or to take comfort in any thing. He cannot comprehend, or so much as think of, any thing which is suited to comfort him. When he reads or hears, the dreadful threatenings of the violated law, it is always with application of them to himself; but when he reads or hears, the precious promises of the blessed gospel, he either takes no notice of them, or.says, « They do not belong to me: the greater the mercy of God, and the riches of his grace, are, the -more miserable am I, who have no part in them.' "
Finally, there are two other sources that I would like to share. One of them is from part of a book titled "Case and Cure of a Deserted Soul," by Joseph Symonds. This book is insanely hard to find (because I think that it's out of print), but you can still listen to some of it on sermonaudio.com. I'm not sure if this is only part of the book or the whole thing. He basically comforts Christians who feel that they're abandoned by God, and he lays out what it truly means to be deserted by God. (Basically those who are truly deserted by God don't see their sin or examine themselves, according to Symonds).
You can listen to it here:
http://www.sermonaudio.com/sermoninfo.asp?SID=31608229453
Also, I wanted to share something from Jonathan Edwards. After reading this work in the first Volume of his works, I was filled with such unspeakable Joy and relief. It's titled: "The manner of conversions various, yet bearing a great analogy."
You can read it here:
http://spider.georgetowncollege.edu/HTALLANT/COURSES/his338/edwards/faithfl2.htm
I read it last year out of the volume of his works that my friend has, and it was one of the first works that I read (before finding John Colquhoun and Timothy Rogers' books) that really comforted me. John Bunyan's "Grace Abounding" (a book that I have not finished yet) also provided me some comfort at that time, but I believe that Rogers' and Colquhoun's works on this offer the best comfort for those who struggle with despair and feel that their destiny is to be forever lost. [I also just thought of another book that I have not read in its entirety yet, although I've read parts of it. It's called "Heaven on Earth" by Thomas Brooks, and it speaks on Christian Assurance].
I apologize for this long post, I did not intend to originally make this post this long, and i don't plan on posting on your blog frequently. You will definitely be in my prayers, and I ask you and your wife to pray for me as well. My prayer request is pretty much the same as the one that you mentioned in this post.
PS-- A.W. Pink also has some encouraging words:
"It is perfectly true that as I look within and seek to faithfully examine my heart in the light of Scripture, that the work of the Spirit is not all I shall discover there. No, indeed. Much corruption still remains. The genuine Christian finds clear evidence of two natures, two contrary principles at work within him. This is brought out plainly, not only in Romans 7 and Galatians 5:17, but strikingly, too, in the Song of Solomon: “What will ye see in the Shulamite? As it were the company of two armies” (6:13). Hence it is that in her present state, the Bride says, “I am black, but comely. O ye daughters of Jerusalem; as the tents of Kedar, and the curtains of Solomon” (1:5). And again, “I sleep, but my heart waketh” (5:2)—strange language to the natural man, but quite intelligible to the spiritual. And therefore is it also that the renewed soul so often finds suited to his case the prayer of Mark 9:24. “Lord, I believe; help Thou mine unbelief.”
It is because the real Christian finds within himself so much that is conflicting that it is difficult for him to be sure of his actual state. And therefore does he cry, “Examine me, O LORD; and prove me; try my reins and my heart” (Psa. 26:2). They who are filled with a carnal assurance, a fleshly confidence, a vain presumption, feel no need for asking the Lord to “prove” them. So completely has Satan deceived them, that they imagine it would be an act of unbelief so to do. Poor souls, they “call evil good, and good evil”; they put darkness for light, and light for darkness” (Isa. 5:20). One of the surest marks of regeneration is that the soul frequently cries, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my thoughts; and see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psa. 139:23, 24). "
entire link here:
http://www.spurgeongems.org/awp_assur.htm
last comment!
I apologize, for I shared more sources than I intended, however, I hope that they will be beneficial to you in addition to your time spent in prayer and in God's Word. I also agree with what Michael said; only the Holy Spirit can strengthen our faith.
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